


some frozen devotion

by stelleri



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Sort of a character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21932701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelleri/pseuds/stelleri
Summary: Cornelius wants to know everything that's happening on Terror. Billy just wants to figure Cornelius out.
Relationships: William Gibson/Cornelius Hickey
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19
Collections: The Terror Bingo (2019)





	some frozen devotion

**Author's Note:**

> written for the terror bingo prompt 'The Ladder.' mostly takes from gibson's historical career, besides some of the specifics
> 
> listen, I don't even really like hickey?? but I've seen some good meta about him, so here's something that leans (maybe too heavily?) on the assumption that a lot of his later behaviour had to do with illness/resentment/etc, vs hickey just being a good actor. or something

Billy’s got a decent grasp of the men by now, this far into the expedition. Some he knew well enough already, of course; Peglar is almost a friend, or had been when they were both sailors on the _Wanderer_. Lt. Hodgson is still as eager to please as ever, and he doubts Bridgens has abandoned his bookish ways over on _Erebus_ , either. The rest of the crew is a little more difficult, on a personal level.

He’s unexpectedly isolated, working as a steward; none of the officers pay him much attention, except perhaps Lt. Hodgson when he feels like waxing nostalgic, and he’s too busy at mealtimes to spend any time with the men. It’s something of a relief, then, when Cornelius makes it something of a personal goal to befriend him, and from there brings Billy into his small circle of friends. 

Cornelius is an ambitious sort, with an independent streak that is a particularly poor fit for an expedition like this. Prone to underestimating others, too, quick to measure the other sailors by some internal scale and find them lacking. He dismisses Jopson early on, for one thing, citing blind loyalty, while Billy suspects Jopson must be all steel to deal with the captain’s moods so smoothly. Then again, they’re not quite looking through the same lens; Billy looks for weakness, for secrets, for things that might prove dangerous to him if he remains ignorant, while Cornelius looks for – something else. He’s exactly the sort of person Billy should be avoiding, for his own sake. 

(That ambition wasn’t so fraught in the beginning. Later, Billy will wonder when that changed, when Cornelius turned towards ruthless cruelty instead. Later, he will feel a cold blade between his ribs and Cornelius’ warm hand on his chest, and he will think of the poor sick bastards at Comfort Cove back in 1840, of Dr. Stanley and Carnivale, and of _mercy_.) 

But. But Cornelius is friendly to him, even kind, and it’s not at all like the shifty, shameful manner of most sailors with their proclivities. At first Billy thinks he’s bored, or perhaps after information; a bad choice, frankly, because Billy isn’t exactly the unobtrusive, all-knowing type of steward. Genge or even Armitage would be a better choice, and Billy tells him so. Cornelius still sticks around. 

* * *

Cornelius has a particular interest in the inner workings of the crew, endlessly curious – nosy – while Billy is cautious. The men aren’t quite so tight-knit here as they’d been on the _Wanderer_ , a combination of too-close quarters and a lack of slavers or some other adversary to defeat. Still, Billy finds he misses the comradery of being a sailor more than he expects. If Cornelius wants to gossip, he’s hardly going to discourage him; they’re not exactly close, not really, on account of having little in common besides mutual inclinations, but it’s reassuring that Cornelius isn’t only interested in fucking and leaving. 

Unfortunately, his points of conversation tend to switch between gossip even Billy has heard, drivel about the officers – Billy’s concerned about keeping what little status he has, not climbing higher – and the habits of other men who share their proclivities, which might have been more interesting if Billy and Cornelius hadn’t struck up a relationship of their own. 

There’s not much to say there, anyways. Some of the men sneak around together, in varying degrees of boredom and genuine affection, as they do on any other voyage. It’s more dangerous than on land, in some ways, and maybe something about that appeals to Cornelius. Or maybe he’s just the blackmailing sort, or he’s sussing out his options in case this thing with Billy doesn’t work out. Billy’s both content and cold enough to keep his questions to himself. 

Eventually, though, Peglar catches Cornelius’ attention; he almost certainly has a lover on _Erebus,_ which is unusual enough to be noteworthy. Cornelius thinks it must be the steward he’s always trading books with, but Billy disagrees. Cornelius hasn’t sailed with Bridgens or Peglar before – hasn't sailed at all, but Billy knows better than to remind him – and so he’s not familiar with how the rumours tend to work among men like them. Whatever sentiments he may or may not have, Bridgens is notorious for staying _uninvolved_. It’s far more likely that Peglar is sending letters through a trusted friend. Armitage, who sailed with the both of them on the _Gannett_ , would probably agree, if he had any sort of interest in these sorts of affairs. 

“They’re not stupid enough to be that obvious,” Billy says. He’s curious too, now, but he’s not nearly close enough to Peglar to get an honest answer out of him, so there's no point in encouraging Cornelius.

“Maybe they think it’s worth it,” Cornelius snaps, abruptly defensive. It’s something in the shape of an old argument, about danger and risks and the sort of soft-hearted implications that make him want to bolt. Their relationship hangs by a thread out of necessity, in Billy's opinion, regardless of their personal feelings on the matter. Billy scoffs. “Regardless,” Cornelius continues, because he just can’t let anyone else have the last word. Billy cuts him off before he can say something incriminating or stupid.

“Leave it, will you? There’s no point causing trouble about it.” Cornelius rolls his eyes but lets it go. For the moment.

* * *

“You’re hiding something,” Billy says. Too accusing. Maybe Cornelius won’t take it personally; it’s not like Billy is a threat to him, too awkward and dour to have any of the officers’ ears like a more cunning steward might. 

“Am I now,” Cornelius says, utterly dry. He’s smiling though, that pleased quirk to his lips that crinkles his eyes. A real smile, small and genuine. 

“That mysterious act works on Golding, not me.” Billy’s reward is a grin and a short laugh. It’s - blinding, almost. 

It’s easy to forget that he’s quite sure Cornelius is some kind of dangerous, in the scrappy, unpredictable way of some younger seamen he’s known. Billy isn’t a very experienced sailor, but he’d been on the _Wanderer_ long enough to recognize the type. There were some men who found the scurvy and illness and violence preferable to whatever life they had on land, somehow, even when they were dying in the tropical heat. He thinks Cornelius intentionally allows him to see that hungry, restless part of him. Trusts him with it, maybe. Billy wishes he wouldn’t.

Cornelius is looking at him expectantly, though, so:

“You’re planning on leaving. When we get out of the ice.” Billy makes sure his tone is neutral this time. Indifferent. It’s an effort to hold Cornelius’ gaze. He knows it’s not _the_ secret, whatever it is, that he suspects Cornelius is hiding. It might not even be all that important to Cornelius, for all that Billy is, essentially, accusing him of plotting desertion. 

Cornelius looks surprised, and then proud, maybe. The pleased smile stays longer this time. 

Billy doesn’t like to be seen, to be known, but Cornelius does. He wants to be recognized by the officers – and by Billy, even though Billy doesn’t have any sort of influence on land or at sea and he’s as surly as Cornelius is contrary. He still seems to want Billy to figure him out.

They are both, Billy suspects, the sort of men who aren’t used to letting others so close. Cornelius certainly tends to approach sentimentality like a man half-feral, blunt and prickly with it. He hopes he doesn’t give Cornelius a reason to regret it.

“You’re welcome to come with me,” Cornelius says lightly. He’s a hard read sometimes, but not so much when he talks about their...relationship. Billy had thought he was lying, originally, only pretending to be so openly interested in him. Now he’s almost certain it’s entirely genuine, and he’s not sure that’s any better. Not that it’s unreciprocated, exactly, but Billy’s cautious by nature and he’s well aware that Cornelius is likely more trouble than he’s worth. 

“I’ve spent enough time in the tropics. I’m sick of the heat,” Billy manages. A snort of laughter, and Cornelius is moving into his space, not quite touching; they don’t touch, not really. Not casually. Billy has to duck his chin to look Cornelius in the eye.

“Well, once I thaw out, we can go anywhere you like.” 

* * *

He means to press Cornelius for answers the next time he’s in a good mood, but then Irving catches them a short few days later, and Billy can’t look Cornelius in the eye without feeling the lash on his back. 

“You’ve got me on the wrong rung,” Cornelius says, and maybe he’s not entirely wrong. But frankly, despite what Cornelius might think he does not, in fact, know everything. It’s hardly Cornelius’ fault that he doesn’t know the captain’s drinking habits – though this must mean the drinking is less of an open secret than Billy thought, at least among the men – or just what he can do with another man and get away with. But Billy is irritated and guilty and fully aware that there is only a thin curtain between his bunk and the rest of the ship. It’s far too late to regret talking to Irving, so he pushes the stinging remorse away as best he can. 

If Cornelius wants to try to claw his way above his station because he can’t accept the way of the world, if he wants to keep putting himself at risk by running his mouth around the officers and the captain – fine. This isn’t how Billy wanted any of this to go, not at all, but there’s nothing for it now.

Cornelius can keep his secrets.


End file.
